“I love it. I hate it. And I can’t take it.” -Back to You, by Louis Tomilinson ft. Bebe Rexha
I’m penning this post as we’re driving home from Sarasota. We had a night out, seeing a movie and going to dinner. It’s at these later moments of the night that my mind starts to wander off.
It wanders to the bright lights, the vivid colors, all blending together like some sort of watercolor. And it amazes me to see how these little things affect me. Much like I wish that the water would absorb into my very pores, I want to feel everything so intensely. I want to feel the heat, the cool, the in between.
I want it to burn me. To feel like ice in my veins. I want those types of feelings, the kind that shake you and make you gasp. Those are the ones that leave a mark. That change you.
Maybe I’m expecting too much from my surroundings or from myself, but are we really surprised? I’m not. I’ve always been one to aim high, too high for my own good.
But that’s just because it’s easier to escape into something you imagine then deal with what’s real and right in front of you. It’s easy to be mesmerized; not so much to be stuck in more of the same.
I think that’s why I love vacation(s) so much. It’s a chance to break out, to be free of the usual. The routines are stripped away and replaced with adventure. The stress melts away the second I hit that water. At least that’s what I’d like to believe.
“One sip. One hit. One kiss. (bad for me). But I give in so easily.” -Weak by AJR
Because I remember those little moments where everything seems so clear. Like what I love and what I do. I loved the sunset over lido beach last night. And I loved being able to sink my feet into the sand, walking around and soaking up the sun.
The ocean so blue, the heat so fierce. That’s all I focus in on. I don’t think of the insecurities, the worries, nothing else. Just the warmth and the happiness. But I don’t know if it fades or if the facade does. I sometimes don’t know if the happiness is real or not.
If it’s not real, then it’s fake for my own sake. Like a mask I wear or a game I play. To see how long I can keep it up. It can be exciting, but only for so long. Then it becomes a dangerously thin line between who I am out here and who I am when the time comes to go home. Because vacations end, and maybe the lies will too.