Your love comes in like violence, stays for a while then leaves with the silence.
I want this pain to go away. To be erased. To be forgotten, long gone from my memory.
But life doesn’t work like that: you can’t just erase the past or forget about people and all the things you’ve done.
It’s just easier to pretend it doesn’t hurt
Or that your heart doesn’t ache
Because then your blood doesn’t feel like its boiling
Hot, searing, red
And your head doesn’t feel like it’s pounding
Thump, thump like a heartbeat
And you don’t feel like you’re losing control, losing it all
I want to be happier, I really do. But demons are difficult to deal with instead of escape from.
And it’s tricky to know if where you stand is somewhere safe and stable or if it’ll just crack again
Much like your heart does after all the hurt
Or your body does after all the pain
That you can’t admit that you’ve messed up. Or that you don’t know if you really want to fix it.
Because life isn’t a movie, there’s no rolling credits where you can just wrap it all up. And it’s not like tv where everything will be back to normal after a day.
No, healing… healing takes time.
And picking up the pieces of yourself isn’t easy.
But the medicine will work. You know this because you’ve been down this road before.
You know the depths of this darkness and you know how much light there can be.
You just have to let it pour into your brokenness. And feel these shifts of mood and changes in time.
Because all of it means something. Even the things you’d rather forget.
Don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t.
You cannot change what happened. You know this, time and time again.
You are only human. But a good one at that.