That’s why the past should be the past – far behind, back of mind, out of the way. Let the memories burn and crash…like nothing’s changed except the time that’s passed. And that’s why goodbye should mean goodbye, the first time.” -Kelsea Ballerini, First Time 🎵🖤
You know those things that you keep coming back to, or the ones you can’t seem to forget? It’s like no matter how hard you try to start again, the past always catches up to you. At least that’s what happens to me. And maybe instead of trying to outrun it or erase it, I should try to look at it and let it teach me something. Maybe I can figure out how to move on if I look back a little bit.
I’ve made bad decisions, no question there. And recently, I’ve made a lot of them. Maybe they aren’t bad to some people, but they are very out of character for me. And I know that it’s not good because I feel guilty. A lot like what one of my favorite Youtubers said in one of her blog posts:
Even though she was talking about relationships and fuck boys; the same thing still applies to really anything…drinking, hooking up, bingeing, whatever. And I’ve been having too many literal (and figurative) McDonald’s run ins lately…and yes, I do feel like shit. And it sucks feeling so bad, and it hurts even worse to know that it’s your fault.
But people make mistakes. And people make stupid decisions. I guess the difference comes in awareness and consciousness of said decisions. And the desire to be different than before. To change.
I do not want to simple erase my mistakes, but I do want to learn from them. I want to hopefully accept where I’ve been to get to where I want to go. I do not want to stay stuck in the past forever. I want to continue moving on.
In order to do that though, I think I need to take a look at what I really want in life right now. And I also need to try and accept that my goals might change as time goes on. But for now, I want to be happier and have more structure in my routine. I want to feel more productive and actually be proud of myself instead of guilty or ashamed.
First things first: I need to redefine what healthy means to me. Is it drinking green juices every day and lifting weights all the time? Probably not. But it could maybe be something like eating proper amounts of carbs, proteins and healthy fats & trying to walk or do some yoga to actually relax me. I have to find what works for me, and try not to compare myself to others so much.
I also need to remember that just because I’m not there yet, doesn’t mean I should quit and not do anything. That’s not gonna get me to my goals any faster.
I also want to take time to do things I enjoy more, like reading and writing (yay for blogging again!) – because those types of things bring me joy, just like hanging out with my friends or actually getting the right Starbucks order does 😝
Bit by bit I want to chip away at the old habits and replace them with something more positive & fulfilling. I want to add more good things and be less negative toward myself. I am trying, and maybe that’s enough for now. ♡
*snapchats & blog post: Katy Bellotte